RICHMOND, VA - Emily Hastings, 7, has been given just a few months to live after contracting a rare childhood disease. But her last few months will have at least one bright ray of sunshine piercing the darkness: the Make-A-Wish Foundation has granted sweet little Emily's dying wish of reading the report on Russian collusion prepared by Robert Mueller's special counsel.
"All I wanted was to see just how bad orange man really is," she told reporters as her parents wept at her side. "Thank you so much, Make-A-Wish Foundation!"
The request is one of the most common the Foundation has received, along with a chance to watch Star Wars Episode IX before it comes out and to have The Last Jedi wiped from a child's memory forever.
"We're just glad this little one can spend her last days on earth satisfied in having reviewed Mueller's extensive investigation into Russian interference," a Make-A-Wish representative said. "We're in the business of making dreams come true, whether that's for a sick child to meet their favorite YouTube streamer or read an in-depth report on foreign collusion."
At publishing time, Hastings was disappointed to find that the Mueller report was inconclusive.