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Scientists Predict Globe Will Warm Significantly When Jesus Returns

WORLD—A panel of climate change scientists from around the world issued updated prediction models Wednesday, confirming that global warming is expected to see a "dramatic and deadly" increase the moment Jesus Christ returns in glory.

Incorporating climate data collected over the past century and a historical-grammatical reading of 2 Peter 3:10, the scientists came to the "inescapable and inconvenient" conclusion that the atmospheric temperature would make the entire world uninhabitable in the span of a few moments.

"After studying the data collected from weather stations around the world and consulting with top scientists, we've come to the conclusion that the heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything done in it will be laid bare," a representative for the climate panel told reporters. "We're all pretty much literal toast apart from the saving work of Christ on the cross, so make sure you're at peace with God."

At publishing time, a panel of dispensational climate change scientists had disputed the findings as "fake news," suggesting that the world would see exactly 1,000 years of ideal weather before the sharp uptick in warming occurs.