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FBI Investigation Implicates Entire World: 'There Is None Righteous, No, Not One'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the results of the FBI investigation were revealed to United States senators Thursday, they grimly began to announce to their constituents "the very bad news" that there is none righteous, and that no one seeks after God.

"There is none righteous—no, not one!" said Senator Dianne Feinstein in an emotional address. "FBI investigators discovered that their throat is an open grave, and further corroborated the fact that all have turned away, and together they have become worthless."

"While we have been suggesting that this FBI investigation is a sham, we have to acknowledge, based on our own behavior over the past few weeks, that these findings are true. It is up to each man and woman to face these harsh facts," she said.

Republican senators agreed with Feinstein's statements, somberly reporting that the several-day-long investigation had revealed that men's feet are swift to shed blood and there is no fear of God before their eyes.

At publishing time, the investigation had further revealed that the righteousness of God was made manifest apart from the law, given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.