ISRAEL — Scholars now believe that the disciples who handed out food so ably to the five-thousand may have in fact been Chick-fil-A employees.
"These guys handled a lunch rush of five thousand people with just a twelve-man crew? Who else could pull that off besides Chick-fil-A?," said New Testament scholar Dean Arrington. "That's slinging food with the big boys."
Chick-fil-A has reportedly done its own study of the disciples' actions following Jesus' miracle, hoping to learn their secrets. "Did they go one lane or two? Separate teams for fish and bread?" asked current Chick-fil-A operator Jared Higgins. "These are the things we can learn from. Now they didn't have the same sauce options we carry, but it's still quite a feat."
Estimates place the disciples' order-to-food time at approximately ninety seconds per family unit, placing them amongst the fastest in the industry. "That's the sort of talent we recruit here at Chick-fil-A," said Mr. Higgins. "Very few people on this planet are capable of achieving our standards, but the Apostles might have been some of them."
Scholars became less sure of their new theory after further evidence emerged that the disciples forgot on several occasions to say, "My pleasure."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
