U.S. — The Pentagon officially went ahead with their plan to shoot down the Chinese spy balloon as it was getting too close to Ukraine's borders, sources confirmed Saturday.
"We sent a strong message to China," said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "So long as the spy balloon stayed over America, we had peace. But the moment that spy balloon got a little too close to Ukraine - boom! We had to take it out."
General Austin proudly reported that the most high-tech missile defense systems in the world had been waiting to blow up the balloon for days. "Trust me, the Chinese are going to regret floating that balloon within thousands of miles of the Ukraine border. They should have kept that balloon where it was safe, floating over the U.S. and spying on American citizens."
Despite the Pentagon's assurances, many Americans have questioned why the military didn't shoot the balloon down over the U.S. "Were we, like, out of bullets?" asked local Carolina man Nate Maldonado, watching the balloon float overhead. According to sources, yes, we are out of bullets - because we sent them all to Ukraine.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: