ISRAEL—Scholars studying ancient texts from the first century now believe Jesus actually spent time with prostitutes and tax collectors just to avoid hanging out with despicable journalists.
Up until now, Christians have always thought that Jesus hung out with everyone, even those in the dregs of society. But even the loving, compassionate Savior had standards and would not spend any time with news writers.
"Ugh, the journalists are over there -- don't let 'em see me," He reportedly told tax collector Zaccheus after calling him down from the sycamore tree. "Hide me in your house, quick, so we can get away from those lowlifes."
"Yeah, you tax collectors are scummy, but at least you're not a reporter," he said as they dined and did not try to destroy each other's lives as journalists would be doing. "You won't dox people, capitalize on a celebrity's death for clicks, or try to search through my old tweets."
Seeing that Jesus was indeed wise, Zaccheus then repented and agreed to pay everyone back and then some for what he had stolen.
"Once I saw that He hated journalists too, I realized He was alright."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.