WINDSOR'S MILL, OR - "I just want to make a small difference in the world," says Lindsey Harper as she carefully packs small bottles of essential oils into a care package. In just a few days, the package will arrive in China, where its contents will solve Coronavirus for good.

Harper is a housewife, but more importantly, she's a Diamond Platinum Elite Gold Club Sales Manager for a national essential oils company, which means she makes $1.25 an hour selling the bottles of all-natural home remedies for everything from toothaches to car crashes.

"Lavender -- it really is the answer to everything," she says as she carefully slips in a brochure telling Chinese women how they can join her MLM, labels the box, and prepares to take it to the post office. "I had an uncle whose head fell off, but a few dabs of lavender later, he was rip-roarin' to go."

(She later clarified that he was still dead, but he smelled better.)

Harper believes that if the nation's Christian wives band together to send over bottles of lavender, lemon, hibiscus, and pepperment oils, Coronavirus can be eradicated within the week.

"It's the least we can do, literally."