Scholars Believe Explosive Growth Of The Early Church Was Due To Christians Being Allowed To Eat Bacon
Church · Jul 12, 2023 ·

JERUSALEM — Citing newly uncovered writings from Greece, Rome, and Jerusalem, biblical scholars are now saying the shockingly rapid growth of the early church can be attributed to the fact that Christians were allowed to eat bacon.

"Save yourselves from this crooked generation! Believe in Jesus, the Messiah! And also, I had a dream last week and we can totally eat bacon now!" said Peter in one of his recently discovered early sermons given in a Jewish synagogue. "Seriously--have you people tried this stuff? It's amazing! All the bacon you can eat! God told me it's not unclean anymore! Wooo hooooo!"

The manuscript then goes on to describe Peter whipping out a cast iron skillet and frying up strips of bacon before the assembly, causing thousands of souls to be added to the church in just one day.

"Peter's proclamation was initially met with strong opposition from the Pharisees, but they eventually changed their minds and decided to follow The Way after smelling the stips of applewood-smoked pork belly Peter was frying," said church historian Dr. David Ben Hamen. "We can't say that we blame them."

Sources say Pharisee interest tapered off, however, after Christians started getting thrown to the lions.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction


There are 114 comments on this article.

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.