WASHINGTON, D.C.—A scarred, disfigured President Trump sat brooding in the Oval Office Wednesday morning and flipped his favorite coin to determine whether he was going to do something good for the country today or do something totally insane.
Trump reportedly got the scars from lying too long on a tanning bed on his left side, driving him insane and somehow splitting his personality in two.
Many political pundits and commentators have tried to figure Trump out. Some supporters believe he's playing "4D chess" when he does something crazy. Some critics think he's Hitler. But it seems the real answer to why Trump does what he does is much simpler than that: he just flips a coin and allows cold, hard luck to rule the day.
"OK, heads, I work on prison reform. Tails, I cage up another batch of Mexican children," he said, a crazy look in his eye as he prepared to flip his favorite lucky coin."Ha! Mexican kids it is."
"You either die making America great again, or you live long enough to stay president for like 20 or 30 years and keep making America great again," he said. "It's not about what I want, it's about what's fair!"