IN THE LAND OF MORDOR WHERE THE SHADOWS LIE—The Dark Lord Sauron stepped up his campaign for reelection this week, unveiling the details of his ambitious Deathcare for All proposal.
Many have criticized Sauron's proposal in recent weeks, calling his plan to kill or enslave everyone in Middle Earth impractical.
"It sounds good on paper, but it's not feasible," said Lord Voldemort. "We should have much more sensible, attainable goals right now, like just taking over a middle school. Even that is almost impossible."
"Covering all the lands in darkness is pie-in-the-sky talk. What's that gonna cost, $52 trillion? Might as well say you're gonna provide healthcare for everyone."
Sauron hopes that by releasing the details of his plan, he will silence his critics. The plan shows how Sauron can efficiently slaughter men of Gondor and Rohan, Hobbits from the Shire, and the few remaining elves in Middle Earth by raising taxes on a few elite kings and lords across the land. He's also developed a state-of-the-art process for killing the free peoples of Middle Earth, where you line them all up, kill one of them, and then he falls over and knocks over the whole row of them.
The plan also includes acid pits, swinging death blades, and lots and lots of lava and fire. This part of the plan has attracted criticism for its possible contributions to global warming.
Nonetheless, Sauron insists his D4A proposal is the only way to go, calling those who want to stick to privatized deathcare for some "filthy moderates" and "big silly gooses."
"Through innovative deathcare methods like this, we can actually save money while providing Middle Earth's very best in deathcare to all those who would oppose me."