U.S.—Presidential candidate Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke has announced he is dropping out of the presidential race so that he can spend more time taking guns away from his family. “I’ve been so focused on grabbing the guns of strangers,” O’Rourke told the press, “that I’ve neglected taking away the guns of those closest to me.”
The news was especially upsetting for the millions of AR-15 owners who had just been waiting for a politician to come and free them of their scary burden. “I guess I’m stuck with these,” said gun owner Rex Wells, standing in front of his arsenal of semi-automatic rifles.
Having dropped out of the race, O’Rourke wasted no time in turning his attention to his family, immediately confiscating his children’s super soakers. He then invited himself on his uncle’s hunting trip, though his uncle seemed very wary of that. O’Rourke also asked his nephew Tommy where he kept his Nerf dart guns; Tommy claimed he lost them all in a “tragic boating accident.”