SPIRITUAL REALM—Amid claims that the ungodly, disgusting substance could not have possibly been conceived of by a benevolent creator, the great adversary, Satan, published a video claiming he alone was responsible for the violent attack upon humanity known as “kale.”
Authorities had long surmised that whoever invented the bitter, repulsive leaf cabbage did so with malevolent intent, and the dark lord’s statement confirms that kale was in fact designed to be an act of terrorism against mankind.
“Yes, you fools! It was me all along,” Satan said on the video posted to social media Tuesday. “Who else do you think could have deceived people into paying tons of money for horrible, overpriced organic kale chips and salads?”
“Only I, the Father of Lies, could possibly have convinced people they actually like the nauseating taste of kale!” he added before breaking into ominous, booming laughter.
At publishing time, the Devil had also claimed total and complete responsibility for kombucha and quinoa.