CANTON, MI—Arising early even though he had the day off of work, local believer Nole Hampton reportedly set to work “redeeming the time” by arguing with various people—friends, family members, and strangers alike—on Facebook over a variety of topics, sources confirmed Monday.
“We only have a limited time here on planet Earth,” Hampton told reporters as he posted a comment questioning another Christian’s salvation over a minor issue. “We have to make the absolute most of every opportunity to show how wrong someone is on the internet.”
No post or comment gets by Hampton, as the follower of Christ is able to rip other Facebook users to shreds on subjects like politics, theology, sports, and current events.
To Hampton, nitpicking others’ posts and comments and tearing them down isn’t just a hobby—it’s his mission to the world. Hampton has reportedly sacrificed other worldly pleasures like having a social life, spending time with his family, and reading his Bible in order to pursue his God-ordained purpose of taking shots at friends and strangers online.
“I’m following in the footsteps of our Savior, whose own family turned on Him as He fulfilled His mission,” Hampton said while he put the finishing touches on a 800-word missive dismantling his aunt’s post wherein she stated that Romans 8:38-39 was a great comfort to her during a tough time in her life. “I can’t wait til Aunt Carol reads this and begins to understand how wrong she is.”
At publishing time, Hampton had stumbled upon a post he’d created six months prior, and began arguing with himself over the meaning of Daniel’s 70 weeks.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.