PHILADELPHIA, PA - The Philadelphia Police Department today confirmed Santa Claus was sleighjacked while trying to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls in the city.
"I parked to check Google Maps and suddenly there was this guy with a gun forcing me out of the sleigh," a tearful Claus told police. "I didn't have time to dig through my sacks of toys to get out a Red Ryder BB Gun and defend myself. It all happened so fast."
"Ugh, I had over seven PS5s on that thing!"
Claus says the sleighjacker pushed him out of the sleigh and then took the reins, taking the magical flying vehicle on a joyride through the skies of Philly. Investigators believe the sleighjacking was random and that the perpetrator simply intends to get it over the Mexican border where it can be sold for parts. The reindeer may be taken to Canada where they'll be made into jerky.
The police department has vowed to bring the sleighjacker to justice, while Santa Claus has vowed to put him on the naughty list. Claus was able to rent a sleigh and continue on to Chicago, where he was immediately sleighjacked again and shot 17 times in the chest. His attackers were released on $50 bail.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!