SAVANNAH, GA - After exhausting all options to fulfill their children's Christmas wish lists and coming up short, Leonard and Mildred Fuller have admitted defeat. "The shelves are empty and shipping is backed up. Looks like we might have to just celebrate God coming to earth to save our souls. Brutal!"
Instead of brief dopamine hits from presents, the Fuller family will reportedly go to church with some friends, which is expected to be super lame. "A Christmas service will be fine and all but - can you play Zelda there? No. But I drove to literally 17 stores looking for a Nintendo Switch, and here we are. Jesus, the Lord of all creation, will just have to do."
According to Mildred, "We're really banking that the kids internalized our Smallwoods sign that says 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season.' I'm not sure what else we could have done to impress that truth upon our children. Maybe we've never applied that sentiment to the Christmas season in any concrete way before, but hopefully a Savior for all mankind will be an alright consolation prize."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
