Politics
Sanders Tests Out New Mustache Styles In Preparation For Becoming Next Totalitarian Icon

U.S.— In the wake of several primary and caucus wins, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has been spotted at various campaign stops testing out different mustache styles in preparation for his inevitable reign as the next great totalitarian dictator.

"All the great dictators have a very distinctive mustache," Kyle Jurek, a campaign staffer for Bernie stated after a short rant about re-education centers. "The despots without great facial hair, you can't even picture them. They're forgotten. If Bernie is meant to go down in history and be remembered among all of history's most iconic tyrannical overlords, he needs some solid, original whiskers." 

While many believe Bernie's "I comb my hair every morning with a balloon" hairstyle is signature enough, Sanders says he is trying out mustaches. "We'll throw a bunch at the wall, see if any stick," he told his stylist.

At one campaign stop, Bernie addressed the crowd sporting a Yosemite Sam style mustache. The very next day, he was seen at a different stop with what some supporters described as more of a Stalinesque mouth brow. Later that same day, he had hard words for billionaire Mike Bloomberg which came out of a mouth crowned by a thin pencil crumb catcher. He has also been spotted recently with a Fu Manchu, a horseshoe, and the classic handlebar.

Several campaign staffers wondered out loud if he was actually growing this facial hair, which would be impressive considering the frequent changes in style from stop to stop, or merely playing with costume facial hair and adhesives in the back of the campaign bus.

Later polling revealed Bernie's instincts were solid, as over 95% of Americans said that if they were to be ruled over by an iron-fisted totalitarian despot, they would hope that despot would have an original and memorable mustache style so that their plight would not be forgotten in years to come. 

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