NEW YORK, NY — After taking great pride in the label of "sanctuary city," New York City officials have reportedly begun to panic due to actually having to serve as a sanctuary for incoming illegal immigrants.

"We didn't really think it through with the title," said Mayor Eric Adams. "In reality, our desire was to call attention to ourselves and signal how virtuous we are. As in most cases, we're not actually interested in providing care and shelter to any people in need. We want to tell other people they have to do it instead."

The Big Apple's infrastructure has begun to strain under the weight of increasing numbers of migrants arriving in the city from the southern border. Despite railing against southern red states and demanding they show compassion and allow masses of undocumented immigrants to enter the country, citizens of liberal-run cities are now desperately trying to avoid sheltering migrants themselves.

"This isn't how liberalism works, folks," said local activist Stinson Dean. "We're supposed to be all talk. We tell everyone how much we care, scold them for not caring as much as we do, and then do nothing. Get these brown people out of my neighborhood!"

At publishing time, as New Yorkers sought a way to absolve themselves of any actual responsibility, super-rich liberals in the city had likewise called their accountants to find loopholes to avoid having to "pay their fair share" of taxes.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.