Dodgers Summon Satan To Throw Out First Pitch At Pride Night
Sports · May 23, 2023 ·

LOS ANGELES, CA — In an effort to further smooth things over following the controversial decision to re-invite LGBTQ+ activist group Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Los Angeles Dodgers have now summoned Satan himself to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at Pride Night.

"It fits perfectly with the spirit of the entire night," said Dodgers President & CEO Stan Kasten. "Who better to kick off Pride Night and throw out the first pitch than the Prince of Darkness himself? He has been one of the boldest advocates for transgender ideology over the last few years, so it's an honor to have him."

In preparation for the event, the grounds crew at Dodger Stadium has received orders to mow a pentagram into the grass surrounding the pitcher's mound and sprinkle the entire field with the blood of a freshly slaughtered goat. Sources also confirmed that the 7th-inning stretch will feature a rousing "Hail Satan" chant set to organ music.

"Beelzebub is the patron saint of tolerance, filthy lucre, and self-worship, all cherished values at our organization," said Kasten. "We can't wait to watch him throw a blazing fastball down the middle!"

At publishing time, God had announced a special "Fire & Brimstone Night" at Dodger Stadium, to be held concurrently with Pride Night.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.

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