SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Christmas just around the corner, San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year.
"Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said a spokesperson for city council. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!"
Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into safe injection sites for hobos," said Mr. Adams. "This year, I'm going out with my crowbar the moment Thanksgiving dinner is over. Gosh, it seems like the season for knocking over Apple Stores gets earlier every year, doesn't it?"
With many of San Francisco's hobos temporarily stuffed in closets due to hosting President Xi, the city advised citizens to start burglarizing local businesses right away. "This is a rare opportunity for San Franciscans to perform coordinated smash-and-grabs on nice, clean streets," said the spokesperson. "We hope everyone will take advantage of this rare chance for a less-crowded looting experience."
At publishing time, Mayor Breed was seen joining in on the action as she carefully picked out $949 worth of Macy's merchandise for friends and family.
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