San Francisco Announces Plan To Release Monkeys Onto The Streets To Fling Away All The Poo
U.S. · May 15, 2023 ·

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an effort to finally clean up the streets, San Francisco announced they will release several packs of monkeys into the city to help fling away all the poo.

"We all know monkeys like to throw poo," said John Hawkins, Director for the Department of Sanitation. "We have lots of poo. It's a match made in heaven."

Mr. Hawkins said the program will strategically deploy groups of monkeys to HPAs, or "High Poo Areas", throughout the city. "Each HPA will have its own designated team of monkeys for poo-flinging," explained Mr. Hawkins. "All of the monkeys have been screened by the Department of Sanitation for throwing ability and love for poo. I'm really proud of the crew we've assembled."

While many San Francisco residents welcomed the news, residents of the upscale Presidio Heights district were less enthusiastic. "This is primate gentrification at its worst," said Beau Lucas, a long-time resident. "We are literally taking the produce of our unsheltered residents and giving it to monkeys. Also, monkeys don't have that great of an aim. Don't ask me how I know, but I know."

At publishing time, the monkeys had broken several windows with poo flinging, but fortunately, the buildings were all abandoned storefronts.

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