STOWE, VT — According to sources, local man Henry Smith narrowly avoided letting a beautiful autumn day distract him from doomscrolling on his phone.
Neighbors claimed to have seen Smith heading out his front door while staring at his phone. He then allegedly looked up for a moment and said, "The leaves... wow, it really is amazing how — no, I need to check the news again," before directing his concentration back to his phone.
Doomscrolling, also known as reading the news, involves obsessively scrolling through negative news on a smartphone. The phenomenon began with the advent of the iPhone in 2007 and has, according to psychologists, irreparably damaged the human race. "It is now the most popular pastime for adults around the world," said Professor Arvin Pringle. "Just barely edging out sitting on the couch for several hours trying to decide what to watch on Netflix."
Smith's close call with appreciating the beauty of an immaculate fall day was not lost on him. "Whew, that was a close one," he later posted on social media. "Those leaves were really something... I was almost inspired to do something with my life. Nice try, God."
After posting the ominous warning, Smith proceeded to doomscroll all night, an act that reassured him when he learned that the changing color of leaves may be linked to climate change.
At publishing time, Smith had reportedly spiraled into a deep depression.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
