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Russian Orthodox Church Accused Of Interfering With Doctrine Of Election

U.S.—The nation’s agitated soteriologically Calvinistic Christians released another statement Thursday alleging that the Russian Orthodox Church has, and continues to, meddle in the historical Christian Doctrine of Election.

“One can hardly read the comments under my blog without some mention of the Patriarch of Moscow, or #ReleaseTheWillFromBondage,” complained one Reformed pastor, who declined to give his name. “The Russians have clearly weaponized their faulty theology against our precious doctrine. They think they have an ability to choose—but this is our election, and Totally Depraved Americans won’t stand for it!”

Facebook and Twitter are feeling pressure to censor pro-Russian Orthodox dogma, which has overrun the two social media platforms through automated, robotic posts. These Russian bots can be identified by their frequent use of icons, in contrast to the stoic emoticons familiar in Reformed social media posts.

Russian president Vladimir Putin has denied the charges of Russian Orthodox interference, saying election is “hardly a Russian concern.” But American Calvinists are still fuming over the wilted tulips he recently posted on Instagram, claiming the Russian leader’s predestination is certain.