NEW YORK, NY—Most of the world knows her as the lame duck CEO of Planned Parenthood, but there’s another side of Cecile Richards you might not have heard of: she’s a verified medical marvel, baffling the medical community for over a decade as she has somehow managed to sleep at night while simultaneously being the head of an organization responsible for the deaths of over 300,000 unborn babies annually.
“It’s amazing that someone who oversees this amount of death would be able to sleep at night, ever, let alone every night, as Miss Richards has. There is no adequate scientific explanation for it, really,” a medical expert said, under condition of anonymity for fear of Richards.
“With the recent announcement that she’ll be leaving Planned Parenthood, I know we’ll all be watching to see where she goes from here. Hopefully we’ll be able to coax her into a study or two, so we can figure out how on earth she is able to sleep at night—she may be the key to curing insomnia,” the expert added.
Ophthalmologist have also expressed amazement at the presumed fact that Richards is able to look at herself in the mirror.