MOSCOW - Spirits were high in the Ministry of Defense after Russian military leaders learned that the United States would soon be sending $40 billion in supplies to Ukraine, which would then be almost assuredly lost or abandoned like a Trapper Keeper full of middle school history notes.
Generals high-fived and celebrated while speaking English with comically exaggerated Russian accents. "Dees stuff eez good as ours!" whooped Russian Army General Anatoly Gogol. "De Amerikanskis don't even care. Dey lose more equipment in one week than I'ff seen in my whole career. Iz - like how you say - jackpot!"
Most considered the US largess as a tremendous boon to the woefully underequipped Russian war effort, and many references were made to last year's goat-rodeo-style retreat from Afghanistan by American forces.
General Arkady Ourumov gathered with fellow commanders to discuss their wish lists. "I hope dey leaf some of those Apache helicopters like dey did in Kabul! Dey are de coolest! I weel learn to fly one and den say, 'Who ees big boss man now!' to my ex-wife who left me for styupid oligarch and his five-story yacht, dat I hate so much! Ptui!"
Said forward commander General Valentin Zhukovsky, "My troops dey need de - how you say - bullets. Because now, dey only haf steeks to throw at Ukrainians. Steeks no good; not even pointy."
Pentagon spokesperson Carl Pell responded to Russian enthusiasm by saying, "The US has no intention of abandoning the $100 billion, I mean $40 billion, of equipment for the Ukrainian military. And when I said $100 billion earlier that was purely an accident and certainly not an indication that we plan to ask for an additional $60 billion after we lose this $40 billion. Next question?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
