FLATWOODS, KY — According to sources, local man Dave Smithers was struggling to afford food for his July 4th barbecue due to food prices being up over 3272% this season. His luck changed, however, when he realized he still had the 16 cents President Biden helped him save on his barbecue last year.
"Thank you, Biden! You're a lifesaver!" said Smithers as he ran to the family safe and carefully removed the 1 dime, 1 nickel, and 1 penny he had stashed away last year for occasions like this. "July 4th is saved! Hallelujah! Build back better!"
Other families haven't been so lucky. Smithers' neighbors recently spent their 16 cents to buy 0.0091 gallons of gas. Several more families in the neighborhood invested their 16 cents in Bitcoin and their investment is now worth 8 cents.
Smithers plans to use his 16-cent bounty to help his neighbors and invite them to all share one hotdog this July 4th.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
