Worldviews
Rioters Patiently Wait For All The Votes To Be Counted

U.S.—Rioters across the nation are patiently waiting for all the votes to be counted, sources in Democrat-controlled cities confirmed Wednesday.

Rioters stood around in gas masks wielding baseball bats, bricks, and unlit Molotov cocktails, just kinda standing there kicking rocks. Some made a game out of it and played brick catch, though they tended not to be able to throw them very far. Others just browsed their iPhones, checking for updates to see if they had the green light to "burn the city down."

"We're just waiting to see if our guy lost before it's go time," said Christopher Jenkell of Portland. "I hate all this waiting around. I much prefer the 2016 election, when Trump was quickly declared the winner and we knew right away it would be endless protests for the next four years."

"In a way," he added, "I really hope Trump wins. I just don't know what I would do with myself for the next four years if he were to suddenly be out of my life."


Babylon Bee subscriber Jarrett Conner contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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