WASHINGTON, D.C — Rumors are swirling after multiple sightings of the recently retired Chief Medical Advisor to the President, Dr. Fauci, in the back of dark allies. Witnesses claim that Dr. Fauci has been spotted wearing a trenchcoat and trying to hawk off vaccines to anyone nearby.
"Hey you there! Yeah yous looks like you could use a nice booster, yeah?" said a haggard-looking Dr. Fauci emerging from the shadows and opening his trenchcoat to expose dozens of dangling old vaccines. "These are guaranteed effective or your money ba — well you can always come back for more! I got millions of these things."
"C'mon I'll even throw in an extra vial for the 2-year-old gal in the stroller yous got there! She looks like she could use a boost or 2," said Dr. Fauci with grin. "So whaddaya say, buy these vaccines at a special, limited time only deal just for you from Science himself?"
According to sources, most people have been sensible enough to spot a bad deal and steer clear of the creepy old guy in the alley, but some progressives have kept the shady operation in business by stocking up on as many vials as possible. "You mean these didn't work for me the first 4 times and I'll probably keep getting covid anyway?!" said Helen Wambulspasm. "Take my money then and give me 20 shots! Oh what would we do without a savior like you Dr. Fauci?!"
At publishing time, it was discovered that the vaccines had all been expired for months now and were likely to cause injury and/or severe heart-stopping myocarditis. Dr. Fauci at this time does not expect this new information to decrease sales in any way for people who trust in science.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
