WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. government issued a statement vowing to find out who was responsible for giving out all of these predatory U.S. government loans that have caused so much financial harm to hard-working Americans.
The U.S. government vowed to conduct a thorough investigation into how America's colleges have worked hand-in-hand with the U.S. government to profit off of over 45 million students, and promised to leave no stone unturned while investigating everyone but the U.S. government.
One college graduate who wished to remain anonymous, named Jarvis Woodsled, expressed hopes that the U.S. government would catch the criminals who had put a gun to his head when he was a young, naive 23-year old with no concept of what money even was, forcing him to accept a loan from the U.S. government.
At publishing time, President Biden announced a new Czar of Predatory Lending, a Mr. Tony Soprano, but did not clarify whether he was a czar meant to investigate predatory lenders, or a czar meant to increase predatory lending.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: