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Rescue Attempt Mounted For Couple Trapped In Post-Church Small Talk

DULUTH, MN—A rescue attempt is currently underway to extract a young married couple from an unwarranted post-church service conversation, in which they have been helplessly trapped since approximately 12:15 p.m. on Sunday, sources confirmed Monday afternoon.

The couple, identified as newlyweds Sally and Matthew Daniels, reportedly began walking to their 2007 Honda Accord sometime after 11:55 a.m. Sunday when Skyline Lutheran Church’s mid-morning service let out. According to eyewitnesses, the Daniels expertly weaved their way out the side door, sneaked across the playground, crawled under the park benches lining the parking lot, and attempted their final dash to the getaway vehicle.

But things didn’t go according to plan, as the Daniels were suddenly intercepted by the Jenkins clan. Horrified onlookers could only watch as the young couple was sucked into menial conversation regarding work, children, and lunch plans.

“We were powerless to help. It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion. But for the grace of God…” Heather Holly, an eyewitness, broke down and was unable to finish her statement to the press.

Duluth S.W.A.T. has been dispatched and the situation is ongoing.

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