WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, Republicans in Congress are gathering to vote for their preferred politician who will let the voters down over the next two years.

"This is an honorable tradition, where we come together as team players to choose the one man who will most effectively preserve our power while doing the opposite of everything we promised our voters and spending trillions of dollars," said Rep. Dan Crenshaw. "Anyone who opposes our pick is anti-American!"

At publishing time, Republicans had considered just electing a Democrat Speaker of the House since there isn't much difference anyway.

Watch how a D.E.I. consultant magically turns a video game into... well, something else entirely.