PITTSBURGH, PA — Pastor Karen Younis of Pittsburgh's St. Andrew Lutheran Church has released a new, innovative Bible reading plan where people commit to one year of never reading the Bible.
"My plan is designed to be like an easy, wide path that everyone can follow," said Pastor Younis as she passed out sign-up sheets. "Simply keep the Word of God closed, with all its bigotry and intolerance, and believe whatever you want! Christ accepts all! What could be easier?"
Pastor Younis reportedly came up with the plan after hearing about the martyrs of the Early Church. "That was when it struck me - if those people had just quit reading and believing the Bible, they would never have been killed!" explained Pastor Younis. "In fact, I'm told there are these crazy people in China still dying over wanting to read Scripture. My plan to keep the Bible shut could literally save their lives. Those poor people have the whole world to gain!"
As part of the program, Pastor Younis will send out weekly encouragements to help people keep their Bibles shut. "This week, we remember that after thousands of years of human ignorance recorded in the Bible, 21st-century American progressives have at last discovered the truth," said Pastor Younis. "Next week, we will focus on how the Bible calls every single human sinful, instead of simply affirming every stray whim of neurochemistry."
At publishing time, Pastor Younis had added not going to church as part of the yearly commitment, and was now working as a CrossFit instructor.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions