Hey, loser! Are you tired of being a pathetic beta male? Are you tired of striking out with women because of your pitiful soy-boy incompetence? If so, it's time to take charge of your life and be an ALPHA MALE.

Here are our top 12 alpha male tips for attracting & retaining tons of hot women.

1. Never clean your room: Does a bear clean its cave?
2. Keep no books or written words in your home: Reading is feminine and will shrink your testicles.
3. Eat raw organ meat straight out of a freshly killed animal: Just like our ancestors.
4. If a woman says "Hi" to you, punch her in the face: Otherwise, you just seem needy and pathetic.
5. Show no affection toward kids: It shows weakness and is a distraction from you achieving your goals. Women love focus.
6. Cuddle with other men: To absorb their excess testosterone.
7. Spend hours in the gym with other muscular, vascular, bronzed-up alphas with the sweat glistening from their pumped chests: If you don't, you're gay.
8. Show her your prize kettlebell: If she responds well, she may tour your bull testicle freezer and entire selfie collection.
9. Find a nerd, carry him in your jaws to your prize woman, and lay him at her feet: Studies show women respond to this universal sign of interest.
10. Don't ever ask her what she wants for dinner: Be an alpha and force-feed her a 28 oz ribeye.
11. Never speak to a woman who is past the age of fertility: Not worth your time.
12. Come to think of it, just avoid women at all costs: Because they love men, which is gay.

And that's it! If our alpha male tactics don't work for you, don't worry – you can always get plenty of women, in this life or in the afterlife, by converting to Mormonism or Islam. Enjoy!

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.