Republican Party Checks Into Rehab For Addiction To Losing
Politics · Nov 8, 2023 ·

U.S. — The Republican Party checked itself into a rehab facility this morning, having hit rock-bottom in the throes of its addiction to losing.

"Once we got that first taste of losing, we just couldn't stop," said Ronna McDaniel, Chairwoman of the Republican Party. "Next thing you know, you have to lose even bigger just to match the thrill of that first crushing defeat. It's a vicious cycle."

Over the last several years, friends have watched the Republican Party steadily descend into addiction, with one loss inevitably leading to dozens more. "The Republican Party kept saying it didn't have a problem, that it could quit losing any time it wanted to," said long-time acquaintance Dan Gould. "They even got clean for a few months here and there, like back in 2022 with that Virginia governor. But -- they could never stay away for long."

After experiencing that first euphoric high of losing the U.S. House of Representatives, the Republican Party found the urge to lose just could not be satiated. After losing the Presidency, the Republicans tried to satisfy the losing compulsion by losing the U.S. Senate, governor seats in multiple states, the U.S. Senate again, legislative chambers in five states, Supreme Courts in swing states, and more. "We just can't get enough losing," said Ms. McDaniel, looking at the November 2023 results. "I can't stop jonesing for one more epic beating."

At publishing time, the Republican Party had left rehab swearing it was clean.

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