ROME, GA — A local man experienced an unsettling feeling this morning after growing skeptical that Count Chocula cereal may not actually be "part of a complete breakfast," as advertised.
"Hmmm…I'm not so sure about this," Marty Lunde was heard murmuring as he sat down at his kitchen table with a bowl of chocolate cereal. "Can a shelf-stable foodstuff consisting of sugar, corn syrup, modified corn starch, cocoa processed with alkali, red 40, yellow 5, yellow 6, blue 1, other added colors, and trisodium phosphate provide me the daily nutrition my body needs to function well? I'm wondering."
When reached for comment, a spokesman for the cereal's manufacturer expressed confidence that the product was nutritious, safe for consumption, and fun. "C'mon! It's delicious!" said General Mills marketing executive Sid Eudy. "Who wouldn't want to enjoy a bowl of chocolate cereal with marshmallows in the shape of little bats and a delightful cartoon vampire on the box? How could a breakfast be any more complete than that?"
Lunde remained suspicious. "I don't know," he said. "They don't even have a sliced strawberry in the bowl of cereal on the front of the box like Cheerios does. That's a red flag."
At publishing time, Lunde had quite enjoyed his bowl of Count Chocula, but immediately felt the need to lay down and die.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
