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Report: Democrats, Republicans Deeply Divided On Exactly How To Misinterpret The Bible

U.S.—A new report performed by a coalition of Christian theologians confirmed Monday what many have already suspected: that the nation’s Democrats and Republicans are more divided than ever before over exactly how the Bible should be misinterpreted, misapplied, and misused to support their own political agenda.

The nation’s leftists and conservatives are drifting further and further apart as proponents of both worldviews grapple with how the Bible should be contorted in order to fit one’s political philosophy. While both Democrats and Republicans agree that the Bible should be ripped out of context at will in order to support one’s position, they couldn’t be further divided when it comes to exactly how the Bible should be exploited for political gain.

“While Democrats prefer to cite passages about treating the stranger and foreigner with compassion completely out of their original context, Republicans tend to focus on passages about obeying government authorities, while they themselves encourage dissent and resistance when given laws contradict the Bible,” said one researcher. “Although the left and the right have been split over many issues over the years, the deep divide over which Bible passages to cite and which to ignore in the midst of a given national policy debate represents perhaps the widest philosophical chasm we’ve seen between the two parties.”