PUBLIC NOTICE: All women are required to report to Mike Pence to receive their standard-issue handmaid outfits by 5:00 PM EST today. Any woman who is not in line by 5:00 PM EST will be rounded up by Pence's Soldiers of the Patriarchy and transported to one of the country's 38 Handmaid Reeducation Hovels via cattle car.
This public notice has been issued following the U.S. Supreme Court ruling Roe v. Wade unconstitutional, thus initiating Mike Pence's surreptitious plan to turn the United States into a nation run by Christian zealots who want lots of handmaids and babies.
Items women are allowed to bring:
-Female reproductive organs
-Birthing hips
-Functioning uterus
-Silence
-Fruit snacks
Items women are not allowed to bring:
-Attitude
-Personality
-Jewelry/makeup
-Pepsi
Upon receipt of standard-issue handmaid outfits, women are stripped of their right to vote, protest, have opinions, gossip, stare enviously at other women's outfits, or choose dinner locations.
Women with blue hair will be sent to the oil fields.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
