Just in time for election day, the Tim Walz Bible translation is ready to hit the shelves! That's right, you can now read through the Bible with every verse revised as though it were filtered through the mind of the governor of Minnesota himself.
Though the book itself is not yet available for purchase, The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive copy and has compiled the following list of the top 10 verses:
1 Corinthians 6:9 - "Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality shall be denied my private cell phone number."
Matthew 5:6 - "Blessed are those who burn down black-owned businesses for racial justice, for they shall be bailed out."
Psalm 23:4 - "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death… OK, so I misspoke about actually walking through the actual valley. I got my dates mixed up."
Matthew 25:40 - "I tell you the truth, whatever tampons you gave to the least of these, you gave those tampons to me."
Exodus 20:16 - "Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless you're just like, ‘Aw shucks, I was such a knucklehead,' then it's cool."
Matthew 19:14 - "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the Gay Students Club I started meets in my classroom after school every Wednesday."
Joshua 1:9 - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for you can abandon your fellow soldiers and go back home before the war starts."
Psalm 63:4 - "So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands and flap them frantically while doing high leg kicks."
Exodus 22:2 - "If a thief is found breaking in, he is not guilty of sin, for he is only peacefully protesting."
1 John 4:4 - "For he/him who is in you is greater than he/him who is in the world."
It can truly be said that the Bible is the most amazing and widely read book in human history… but this translation promises to be the weirdest version yet.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
