LOS ANGELES, CA — Rock icon Ozzy Osbourne officially endorsed a presidential candidate Friday, but no one was able to determine who it was.
"Iliketheonewithmembabemfemab," said the prince of darkness. "That's why sfkfmfmafdsafmbbmbb with the biscuitseh."
Sources familiar with Ozzy said it was quite obvious who he was supporting and were offended when reporters asked for clarification.
"He couldn't have been more clear," his wife, Sharon Osbourne, said. "Ozzy believes this presidential election is the last chance America has to save democracy and if that doesn't make it clear who he endorsed, then I don't know what to tell you."
Ozzy followed up his initial statement with a video on Instagram in which he elaborated, "Ifslfmmm and thtaldfsdfmm... four, you know... dfadfmmvmvsammf. Mamfdsfmammmfm fufmfmamm nomwmmfma, mate. Yeah?"
According to sources, both Kamala Harris and Donald Trump have claimed Ozzy's endorsement for themselves.
"The Iron Man supports me, everyone knows it," said Trump. "He's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, did you know that? That's in Cleveland. But Cleveland's a disaster. They're being overrun with migrants who've never listened to Black Sabbath. Can you believe it?"
Kamala Harris said while touring North Carolina's destructive flood zone, "Ozzy was on TV, right? He could sing. He was a singer! And really, don't we all sing? I sing in the shower, you know? HAHAHA! And that's what unites us as Americans. Music and showers."
At publishing time, Ozzy had retracted his endorsement. Or at least that's what everyone thinks he did.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
