CANADA - A record number of Canadians have suddenly lost their handguns in tragic ice fishing accidents, say officials with the Canadian Firearms Program.
According to sources, the majority of missing firearms were reported missing the moment Prime Minister Trudeau finished announcing a slate of new gun laws.
Trudeau was reportedly flummoxed by the news. "Ice fishing is a beloved Canadian pastime but it's summertime, ay? You'd have to go up to the Northwest Territories to do any fishing this time of year, you know, but a lot of the missing guns are from citizens of Toronto."
"But the people love me, ay. They wouldn't lie aboot something like this."
Dave Quail of Edmonton is just one of many Canadian gun owners that are adamant they lost their handguns. "Look, I know it's hard to believe, ay, but I was ice fishing at Wabamun Lake, and wouldn't you know it, all four of my handguns fell out of my parka and into the lake!"
Lake Wabamun's ice-out date was back in April, but Quail - and others - insist their favorite fishing holes were covered in ice a mere four days ago.
"Don't have any more guns at home," said Rick Meese, a small business owner in Quebec City. "Lost my 9mm while ice fishing, I did. And then a moose ate my assault rifle! Wild, ay?"
Noah Jackson, head of the Canadian Wildlife Service, is adamant that tales of lost firearms are completely fabricated and people must be held accountable for lying to the government.
"But not me, I actually did lose my entire armory while ice fishing," said Jackson. "No, I won't tell you where I was fishing."
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.