WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amidst the joy and excitement surrounding the Global Day of Jihad, Congressional Representative Rashida Tlaib gave a rousing speech on the capitol steps in which she called for supporters to remember the true spirit of the holiday, which is to murder Jews.
"I know we're all excited, but we cannot forget the true meaning of the Global Day of Jihad, which is to commit genocide," Tlaib passionately argued. "We must fight the commercialization of this great day! So I say no more Hallmark cards, no more Jihad lights, and no more presents — unless they explode."
A series of boos reportedly bombarded the Michigan representative, but she held her ground in solidarity with the real heroes who were out there trying to murder Jews. "Ask yourself, how many Jews have you murdered? Zero? I thought so!"
Those in attendance at the impromptu speech reportedly lowered their heads in shame, disgraced to acknowledge that they, in fact, hadn't killed anyone at all on Jihad Day.
"Don't you see? The true spirit of the Global Day of Jihad isn't about materialism and gaudy decorations, the real magic has been inside you all along!" Tlaib said at the conclusion of her heartfelt speech.
Hearts and minds changed; everyone resolved to skip Global Day of Jihad dinner and go out and stab someone or blow themselves up instead.
At publishing time, Rashida Tlaib's work was undone by Amazon's epic Global Day of Jihad Black Friday sale.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
