SACRAMENTO, CA — As part of a new initiative to provide public services to minority groups in need, California Governor Gavin Newsom has promised the state's new "Ebony Alert" system for black people will be "separate but equal."
"We've designed this to separate them from the rest of the populace," Newsom said in his announcement. "While we want to have a way to send out urgent alerts to everyone when a child is in danger or abducted, we thought it would be best to keep the alerts separate based on the color of the child's skin. This new ‘Ebony Alert' system will mobilize task forces statewide to launch a search that is approximately three-fifths as strong and focused as a search for a missing white child."
Sources within the governor's office said that if things go well with the "Ebony Alert," the state will expand this initiative in other ways, such as creating separate bathrooms, water fountains, restaurant dining areas, and even schools set aside specifically for black children.
Newsom staunchly defended the decision. "Nothing says ‘let's all be united' like dividing everyone into separate groups,' the governor said. "The first step in creating one, united California is to make sure everything is completely divided according to race."
At publishing time, Newsom had announced the alert systems will now provide cell phone users with helpful information such as what the missing children's grades are in school, as well as how adorable they are on a scale of 1 to 10.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
