BROOKLYN, NY - After a weeks-long trial, R&B Singer R. Kelly has been found to be an evil abuser, guilty of the crimes of racketeering and sex trafficking while failing to be the son of the President.
"Living the Hunter Biden lifestyle while failing to be Hunter Biden is a very serious offense," said prosecutors to the media. "We are seeking the maximum sentence of life in prison for this horrific crime."
According to legal experts, you should always make sure you are the white, wealthy son of a U.S. President before engaging in sex trafficking and racketeering. Since R. Kelly callously failed to do that, he will go to prison instead of making millions of dollars and being awarded a job as a college professor like Hunter Biden.
"We are so pleased Justice has been served today," said prosecutors. "We hope this serves as a reminder that you should always check to make sure you are a member of the powerful elite class before engaging in Hunter Biden-like activity."
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.