KYIV - In a devious 4D chess move, Vladimir Putin has ordered all his armored divisions to fly Planned Parenthood flags so no one will criticize them for committing unthinkable genocide against innocent people.
"It is very simple," said Putin. "Eliminating Ukrainian civilians is healthcare. I am just a pro-choice activist exercising my right to eliminate all lives that inconvenience me in any way."
At the first sight of Planned Parenthood flags waving in the breeze, Ukrainian forces were ordered to lay down their weapons and celebrate the brave, powerful Russian army for standing up for their right to autonomy.
"We are so sorry for this misunderstanding," said Ukrainian President Zelensky in a statement. "The Russians are just living their truth as they slaughter our population and we will not stand in their way. We are not bigots, after all."
At time of publishing, Planned Parenthood has offered to take over Russian concentration camps and rebrand them as "health clinics."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
