MOSCOW — As the U.S. State Department continues to negotiate with the Kremlin for the release of Brittney Griner, Russian President Vladimir Putin has made it clear that he will not let go of the WNBA star for anything less than a 1st edition foil Charizard Pokemon card.
"I must have this card, and then my Pokemon collection will finally be complete," said Putin. "This card is very hard to find in Russia. I don't want any terrorist prisoners or Russian arms dealers. I only want the card — the card I have dreamed of for ages."
"Oh yeah, and it must be gem mint condition too. No blemishes. I'm not messing around with you Americans!"
State Department officials have taken the offer to President Biden, who replied: "Not a chance, man! It took me forever to get that card! I'll give you a 2nd edition Blastoise and throw in a few terrorists and my son Hunter. Take it or leave it!"
At publishing time, Biden finally agreed to release every Russian prisoner in U.S. custody and send $52 billion in exchange for nothing.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
