Mormon Wedding Turns Into Wild Rager After Someone Slips Some Caffeine Into The Punch
Life · Aug 5, 2022 ·

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Chaos broke out at the wedding of Addison and Nate Smith last Friday when local LDS hooligans snuck caffeinated black tea from a flask into the punch.

Eyewitnesses confirm that the calm affair morphed into a "wild, raging party" as the caffeine began saturating LDS bloodstreams 15 minutes into the reception.

"When my teenage son Elijah and his friends Brigham, Rachel, and Ammon slipped out two hours into the ceremony, we assumed they were going to the bathroom – we had no idea they would spike the punch with hard caffeine!" said father of the bride Adam Morey. "We've never seen so much debauchery – ‘be not drunk with caffeine but be filled with the burning of the bosom,' as the good books say!"

Eyewitnesses confirmed that the best man unknowingly took a large swig of spiked punch before his speech. The wedding guests suspected something was horribly wrong when he let out a "gosh dang" and then a "frick" during the toast.

At publishing time, the wedding unraveled further when the groom's over-caffeinated uncle seized the mic to rail against weak, modern Mormonism that only allowed for one bride per groom.

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