PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA—As is tradition, members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club gathered at Gobbler’s Knob this morning to see whether or not the groundhog would see his shadow, and officials in the small Pennsylvania town were shocked by the prediction the animal made. Rather than having anything to do with the coming of spring, the groundhog predicted seventy years of exile under the Babylonian empire.
The prophecy was revealed in a strange shape formed by Phil’s shadow. It unmistakably said the city would be destroyed and its citizens taken into captivity by the armies of Babylon.
Groundhog Club Vice President Tom Dunkel said he couldn’t believe his eyes. “You expect this to just be a fun little event to see whether or not we’ll have six more weeks of winter, but instead we get this: the impending doom of our city and decades of captivity and exile. I kind of wish I had this day to live over again.”
The weightiness of the prediction was not lost on the groundhog, as several witnesses said they could see tears in the eyes of the animal, and others say they saw him penning a book of lamentations about the coming tribulation.