Pumpkin Spice Addiction: Know The Signs
Sponsored · Oct 10, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

Brought to you by Gold River Trading Co:

Pumpkin spice addiction is no joke. Experts agree that overdosing on the devilish concoction is the leading cause of death during the fall season. Stay vigilant and keep an eye out for these warning signs:

  1. Heavy cinnamon use: This is a gateway spice.
  2. Doing pumpkin spice alone rather than in social settings: This could be a sign you are using the spice to self-medicate.
  3. Glowing blue eyes and sufficient prescience to fold space-time to allow for Faster-Than-Light travel: The ability to chart new regions of space is not worth the pain and suffering their family will go through.
  4. A pattern of waking up hungover, wearing three turtlenecks: And there's a strange pumpkin in your bed!
  5. The need for twice as much spice to chase the original high: A clear sign you are spiraling toward an overdose.
  6. A tendency to lose children in piles of scarves: It's not that cold, Betty! She doesn't need that many scarves!
  7. Starbucks baristas know and fear you: And you have been there so many times you can now guess your barista's gender on the first try.
  8. You feel annoyed or guilty when people bring up how much pumpkin spice you consume: Don't be defensive, these people are trying to help.
  9. You add pumpkin spice to every single meal: Pumpkin spice steak is disgusting, but spice rutabaga is flat-out dangerous.
  10. Beautiful orange skin: And a penchant for border wall construction.

If you or someone you know has an addiction then please seek help immediately from a licensed professional!

NOT SATIRE: Tired of buying sugary drinks and coffee from large woke corporations? Throw a tea party! Gold River Trading Co. is an American company that offers premium alternatives for Americans who enjoy a delicious cup of tea. Try Gold River Trading Co.'s warm and flavorful Pumpkin Spice Tea while it lasts.

If Pumpkin Spice isn't your cup of tea, start your day with Gold River's invigorating American Breakfast Blend, cool down with a pitcher of crisp & refreshing Iced Tea, or unwind with Chamomile Herbal tea. Explore a variety of high-quality blends and enjoy a healthy, flavorful beverage from an American company that shares your values.

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