LINCOLN, NE — Local Woman Francine Guacmeister faked another headache after her husband Allen suggested going up to the bedroom for a romantic night of watching the Lord of the Rings Motion Picture Trilogy: Extended Edition.
She claimed the headache came on suddenly due to having had a stressful day, which came as a surprise as it was date night and they had enjoyed dinner at her favorite taco joint, followed by a couples massage. He'd hoped those things would really put her in the mood for the Extended Edition's 11 hours and 36 minutes of extra music, special effects, and Middle Earth lore.
"I'm not saying I don't believe you have a headache, sweetie," said Allen while reverently holding the 14-pound box set in his hands, "It's just that I'm beginning to wonder if you even care about the beautifully crafted world created by Tolkien, faithfully and meticulously adapted by Peter Jackson. Don't you realize the work that went into the practical effects alone? And the performance by Sir Ian McKellen! It's like it doesn't even move you anymore!"
Francine insisted it had nothing to do with the days-long movie trilogy that she had already been forced to watch at least 17 times, but that it really was a really real, super-bad headache.
At publishing time, Allen had faked falling asleep after his wife had suggested maybe watching 50 First Dates would help her headache.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
