CHICAGO, IL - Local second-grader Scotty Watkins isn't able to read yet, but his teachers say he's showing great promise in Critical Race Theory (CRT) classes and is currently racist at a 12th-grade level.

"Scotty's progress is truly remarkable," said his teacher Sandra Martinelli. "Though he can't read full sentences yet, he's in the 99th percentile in CRT. Every time he sees a white person, he reflexively yells 'RACIST' and punches them in the groin. He's years ahead of his classmates!"

Chicago added a CRT section to their standardized testing last fall which allows the district to compare students' understanding of race relations across different schools. Since most second-graders in Chicago can't read, the test involved showing photos of people with different skin colors to the students, then asking how hard the students wanted to punch each photo.

The children were then shown flashcards of everyday objects such as apples, trees, books, chairs, and pencils and asked to identify which items were racist. Scotty earned perfect marks on both tests: he only punched the white people on the first test and properly identified each of the 132 everyday objects as racist in the second.

Martinelli said Scotty will be part of a pilot that sends a few promising third-graders to high school next fall to take advanced-level racism courses. "It will be a great opportunity for Scotty to continue his progress in CRT," she said. "He might even learn to read in the process."