PORTLAND, OR—In an effort to prevent the reelection of sitting President Donald Trump, Mayor Ted Wheeler is encouraging citizens to raze their city to the ground. They hope that by desolating the entire city and reducing it to nothing more than smoking heaps of ash, that Trump won’t stand a chance in 2020.
“This is a small price to pay, if it means getting literally Hitler out of office,” said Mayor Ted Wheeler pouring gasoline throughout the city. “Now burn those buildings down! Burn them all!”
In response to the violence, the president has offered to send support to restore the peace to the city. Instead of giving Trump the political win he craves, Mayor Wheeler has come up with a solution of his own. “You can’t restore law and order to a city if there is no city left!”
Many questioned Mayor Wheeler’s commitment to the cause until he struck a match and set his own home ablaze. “In the end, this will all be worth it. Homes can be rebuilt, but a chance at hurting Trump’s poll numbers is priceless!”
So far there have been no signs of these actions negatively affecting Trump’s re-election chances. Confusingly, some polls even show Trump gaining ground.
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